I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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