Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
