So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
