just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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