i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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