I wish my penis had an off switch
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
