I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
