I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
