I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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