It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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