Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
