Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
