i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
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In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
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He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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