he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
