I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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