If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
