is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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