Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
