So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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