shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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