I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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