I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
