People in love make me want to vomit
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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