SEEEEXXX PLEASE
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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