two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Randomize
