Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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