shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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