I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
