I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
