She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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