apparently the secret to your success is patron
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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