The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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