i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
