No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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