one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
