Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
What changed your mind?
Being sober
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
