I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I am midnight drunk by noon
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
