ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
