ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
