oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
