so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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