Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
