I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
