I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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