He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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