Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
