you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
