I am in a vortex of obligation.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
