all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
