this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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