i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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