I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize