I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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