your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
