Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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