I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
