I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Randomize
