She's like a pop up book from hell.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
