Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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